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Disabled laud efforts to make intimacy easier

The idea was a gliding chair with adjustable legs and back support, but it would not be something you’d take to a softball game.

The IntimateRider (www. intimaterider.com), now being launched nationally and retailing for just under $500, is a sex aid for the physically disabled. That includes Tholkes, who became a quadriplegic at age 17 as the result of a car crash. The chair, he said, is especially helpful for people with spinal cord injuries, arthritis, chronic back pain and other debilitating ailments, offering support and ease of motion that allows many couples to enjoy sex again.

While inventor Tholkes, Minnesota’s 1991 Entrepreneur of the Year, jokes that the “R&D (research and development) was a lot of fun,” the chair, and the reason behind its development, is serious business. While tantalizing sexual messages rain down on the able-bodied, those with disabilities hear something quite different from advertisers, culture and, too often, their doctors:

Silence.

“When I went through (post-accident) rehab in the 1970s at age 18, it was one of those things that got shuffled under the rug,” Tholkes said. “They taught me how to feed, dress and take care of myself, but nobody brought up the subject of how I was going to have sex, which was at the top of my list.”

As many as 11,000 Americans suffer spinal cord injuries every year, he points out, and more than 80 percent of them are males between ages 16 and 30. “You’re young, aggressive, invincible,” said Tholkes, 49, who maintains good arm function that allows him to move himself in and out of his manual wheelchair. “At that age, sex is still a predominant topic on your mind.”

While many men and women with spinal cord injuries regain all or some form of their sexual capabilities, depending on the degree of injury and its location, “society looks at someone in a wheelchair,” Tholkes said, “and assumes you’re not in that group anymore.”

‘I don’t want to be alone’

It’s not only people in wheelchairs who face this reality. The Web site of the Arthritis Foundation (www. arthritis.org) offers a “Guide to Intimacy With Arthritis,” that demonstrates a hunger for answers among a population whose sexual desires clearly haven’t waned, despite often agonizing physical or emotional challenges. Among their questions:

• “Because of my gnarled, knobby joints, I’m embarrassed by my body. I worry no one would want me sexually because of how I look. I don’t want to be alone!”

• “How could I possibly believe that my guy won’t sexually stray when an able-bodied woman would always have more to offer him physically?”

• “It has been so long since my wife and I have made love comfortably that I hardly know how to get started. Any suggestions?”

• “How will joint replacement affect my ability to have sex?”

Chris Kost, 37, of Shakopee, has heard these concerns and more, as a personal trainer for Accua Advanced Fitness Training in Savage and as a man who has lived with osteoarthritis for 16 years. Married to Erin Kost and the father of a 17-month-old son, he keeps physically fit, but can’t deny that some days are marked by aches and pain that are unusual for a young man. A longtime volunteer for the Arthritis Foundation’s north-central chapter, which includes Minnesota, he also speaks to young people anxious about intimacy issues and particularly worried whether able-bodied people will find them desirable.

Eight years ago, he delivered a candid talk to participants at the American Juvenile Arthritis Foundation’s convention in Washington, D.C.

“A lot of people are just worried about being able to live normal lifestyles,” he said. “They see media-made intimacy. Honestly, that’s not the way it is. I told them, ‘You’re not going to be in a porn movie with cameras all around you. It’s you and your significant other.’”

The best tool for good sex, he told them, is communication.

“Let your partner know what’s comfortable and what’s not, what hurts and what doesn’t hurt. You have to make a mental map of your and your partner’s bodies, to find out what you like and don’t like.

“People think with sexuality that it’s all about intercourse, but it’s not. Simple touch for someone can be very intimate.”

Doctors often fail to ask

Doctors often fail to ask about sex. Mitchell Tepper would second that. The assistant director of the Center of Excellence for Sexual Health at the Morehouse School of Medicine in Atlanta is a national spokesman on sexuality and Disability. Through his Web site, sexual health.com, Tepper, who suffered a spinal cord injury 25 years ago, works to debunk the cultural myths that people with physical disabilities are either “childlike or asexual.”

Tepper hears regularly from people with any number of physical challenges – a woman with spina bifida who hopes to become pregnant, a man with emphysema seeking positions that won’t cause him to run out of breath – and some of the topics on sexualhealth.com sound a bit like what you’d find on other Web sites: “Tantric sex – a different perspective,” “Sex toys and where to purchase them,” and “Love bites smorgasbord.”

And why not? A healthy sex life can work wonders for everyone, he said, providing comfort, closeness, relationship satisfaction, even emotional healing.

The IntimateRider’s creator notes that his product, which was developed in about six months, also can be enjoyed by people with no physical challenges. While the early stages of inception were “really awkward,” the more word got out, especially to people with arthritis and back pain, the more support he got.

“The people I know and have talked to, they’re just so excited about it. They tell me, ‘It’s about time somebody came up with a way to make this a little easier.’ They can do things they couldn’t do before and have a little fun in the process.”

Tholkes and his wife, Monaliza, are expecting their first child in September. The inventor will not say whether the IntimateRider had anything to do with that.

Trade secret.

Respondents to the Better Sleep Council’s 2007 Better Sleep Month survey reported an alarming decline in quality of work, poor judgment and trouble retaining information as the top work-related consequences from lack of sleep. In fact, 44 percent said they were likely to be in an unpleasant or unfriendly mood – all bad news for employers, employees and customers.

WELL SAID

“There are anatomical differences between the male brain and the female brain that cause the two genders to react differently in many situations, including seeking help. The differences, which are in the fight-and-flight part of the brain, have nothing to do with intelligence but everything to do with the way we function in our Environment.”

- Dr. Malcolm Stewart, a neurologist at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas Dr. Malcolm Stewart

neurologist at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas

A NEW YOU

People with disabilities don’t necessarily stop feeling sexual. But acting upon those desires can be a challenge.

Ladies Like the Plush RiderMate Deluxe

The IntimateRider already reinvents how you make love with your partner.  This will allow you  to get out of bed and discover new sexual experiences with your lover.  Different landscapes incite new sensations and arouse the senses.  The IntimateRider certainly plays an important role when it comes to new sensation and arousal and as with passionate lovers, the IntimateRider needs a partner to effectivley incite sensations.  The RiderMate Deluxe is especially designed to be used with the IntimateRider to add plush comfort  for women as they enjoy the sway of their partner on the IntimateRider.

Women are finding comfortable support for many new and familar positions while using the Ridermate Deluxe wedge system.  The soft fabric adds a sensual feeling to your skin while the firm support of the wedge base allows you to focus on your partners movements during your sexual escapades.

Elegant, modern furniture sculpted from foam and encased in lush microfiber, are conceived in love and created for comfort.  Liberator Sex Furniture can set the scene for seduction while remaining discreet and not revealing its dual nature.  This modern foam furniture cradles your curves and will help recharge your sexual energy.

Sex and Disability – The Forgotten Activity of Daily Living

Many people rightly consider sex to be an important part of their daily lives, yet in the area of disability sex is rarely talked about.

With the current focus on physical needs, access and daily living aids, it is easy to forget that living with an illness or disability can bring emotional challenges as well. When you acquire a disability, much of your life changes overnight and you may feel you are struggling to cope, but you are not alone.

Disability can impact on many areas of life: relationships, housing, finance, employment, health and social life. Humans generally do not cope very well with change but with disability, often these changes happen all at once, which can be overwhelming. It isn’t a sign of weakness if you feel you aren’t coping. It purely reflects the amount of changes you are working through.

Prioritising time and energy are major issues for people living with a disability. Time gets taken up with disability-related tasks and sorting out support from Social Services and other organisations. To get what you need you have to be your own advocate, communicate well and be assertive.

How you see yourself and your disability will impact on how you cope with these changes. Being assertive can be hard when you are feeling frustrated, low, anxious, have negative thoughts or low self-esteem.

What about sex?

This in turn can impact on intimate relationships. Feeling low or struggling with body image can make sex and intimacy difficult. There can also be changes in the roles you and your partner have and in ideas about masculinity and femininity. You may have to work through the loss of dreams and future expectations. If you are single, you have to think about how to contain your disability when you first meet someone so they can get to know the ‘you’ beyond the disability.

All of this is increased by the messages around us that we are a burden, not wanted, less productive than ablebodied people and should be grateful of any assistance we get.

We are all sexual beings, whether we have a disability, are in a relationship or are single. There are many myths and assumptions around sex and disability, for example that disabled people are asexual (not interested in sex) or are not capable of sex. We are all influenced by these myths and sometimes it’s easier to think that we don’t have a right to sex any more…but it just isn’t true!

There are things you can do to improve intimacy in your relationship. In fact, re-establishing intimacy and sex can provide comfort and security during this time of change and help to keep your relationship together.

If you’re single, sex with yourself is also important for your self-esteem.

How can we re-establish intimacy?

Here are some tips to help you reconnect with yourself and your partner:

• Tell yourself it’s OK to be where you are! It took you a while to learn to tie your shoelaces, to learn how to cook or drive and it will take time to learn how to have and enjoy sex again.

• Learn about your body and find out what feels good. Don’t be scared to explore areas of your body that perhaps in the past you neglected: there are many more erogenous zones in our bodies than our genitals, and don’t forget your mind and fantasies!

• Once you have a clearer picture, start exploring with your partner. Communication is key: when it comes to intimacy you may need to discuss any pain, fatigue or discomfort which could affect sex. Talk to your partner about what you think is going to work, thinking about your needs and theirs.

• Desire and self-esteem are part of the arousal process and if you are struggling with this, individual counselling may help to improve your self-esteem and body image. Once you feel more confident, couple counselling or sex therapy can also help to get your sex life back on track.

• Assessments by Occupational Therapists and Social Services around your Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) should include your sexual needs but often don’t. Many professionals are still reluctant to ask how your disability or illness has affected your sex life. This may be because they feel it isn’t in their job description, because they don’t know what to do with the information you may give them or because they feel this is an invasion of your privacy. However, sex IS an activity of daily living alongside eating, washing and dressing etc. If you feel you need emotional support, sexual aids or sexual advice, please ask your OT or Social Worker to include your sexual needs in your assessment or to refer you to an organisation who can assist you. It is also worth asking whether sexual aids or emotional support can be included in your Direct Payments or Individual Budget.

Intimate relationships are an important part of finding satisfaction and happiness in life, but finding or keeping a relationship can seem like a huge mountain to climb when you are not feeling great about yourself.

Support is out there from your peers and from professionals who have disability knowledge and experience. Most people find it beneficial to join a group of people with disabilities where they can learn from each other, or to talk to a professional who understands what living with illness and disability is like. There are counsellors, sex therapists and organisations that specialise in providing support for people with physical disabilities. There are some who specialise in sexual support for people with disabilities as well.

Though finding time to re-establish intimacy with yourself or your partner may seem like another to-do item zapping your time and energy, the benefits far outweigh the cost. It may strengthen your relationship, help you focus on the things you CAN do and improve your self-worth.

by Spokz People Disability Counselling

What you need to know about…Spinal Cord Injury & Intamacy

Each individual has their own way of finding what works best for them in their personal relationship. Advancements with products like the IntmateRider can enhance an already gratifying love life and will give couples a way to enjoy the best sex possible.

IntimateRider Sex Ability

• Discover many new comfortable positions that were not attainable before
• Enhanced sexual performance
• Natural motion and support provide hip movement desired for sexual function
• Use of optional RiderMate and Rider Cushions provide added comfort and support
• Find more gratifying freedom and pleasure

Contact us: For additional information: info@intimaterider.com or call the IntimateRider Hotline at 952-873-6136

Order Online at: www.intimaterider.com

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